The Same But Different

 

Differences with the boys and their autism indicators:

    - Repetitive Behaviors / Stimming (Stimming, short for self-stimulatory behavior, refers to repetitive, purposeless movements or vocalizations that individuals engage in): Johnathan stimming when he was little was very noticeable as he often flapped his arms. He would do the same motions over and over again and was hard to redirect him. Charles, on the other hand, did not have physical stimming until much later. Most of his stimming when he was young was continuous sounds, such as humming or per random sounds. It wasn't until Charles was older that we began to see the arm flapping and flicking his fingers.

    - Sensory Issues: Johnathan has always struggled with sensory issues since he was little. The first one that presented itself was he hated to have anything on his hands. 'Messy play' was not in his wheelhouse. Johnathan did not like to get anything on his hands and if he did it had to be immediately wiped off. We had many items of clothing ruined due to him wiping things on them. It didn't matter if it was food, craft items (like paint or glue), or even a sticker it was not to be on him. He actually would have therapy sessions where they worked with him on being able to have something on his hand without freaking out. Charles was the absolute opposite - it didn't matter what it was Charles had to touch it and would be covered in food, dirt, or various art supplies constantly. He didn't care if it was wet, sticky, or sloppy it was fun to play with. One of our favorite memories was Charles playing at a racetrack. He had sat down in a pile of dirt and was covering himself from head to toe.  

- Play: One of the areas that we see the biggest differences in the boys is the way they play. Johnathan was always a loner when it came to playing. He didn't mind playing next to others but he preferred doing his own thing. He didn't have much cooperative play and if another child took his toy he'd just move on and find something else to play with. Most of his play involved putting things into lines or patterns. After Charles was born and sometimes when around his cousins he'd join in tossing a ball or running around. After awhile though he'd had his fill of the interaction and return to his individual playing. Charles, on the other hand, is all about imaginative and playing with others. He wants to be part of every game, every activity, and everything that looks fun to him. He loves time with his cousins and seeing all the things they can do together. While his struggles with social cues can hinder proper play he never gives up trying. As we've said before if he doesn't have real friends to play with he'll use his imagination to create some to joy in his play. 

- Routines: Ever since Johnathan was little he has always been a child who liked things to follow a routine and not like it to differ. As a baby he was on a routine only days after being born. He napped several times a day almost always over an hour. At night he would take a bottle around 11 and then he was down for bed. He would wake up one time around 3 for another bottle and a diaper change. Then it was back asleep until around 6-6:30 when Jim was getting ready to leave for work. When Johnathan started preschool he was still on a schedule. He'd sleep in each day until 10-11 in the morning. Then he'd get up and eat and play for a bit before it was time for school. After school he'd rest or play quietly until supper time. After dinner he'd spend time playing or watching tv until it was time for bed around 11. (We found if he went to bed earlier he'd 'nap' and then wake up around midnight 'ready to go'.) When he started elementary school his routines adjusted again but once started Johnathan was stuck on a new routine. Even at age 17 Johnathan is still someone who thrives on routines. Every night Johnathan expects his bedtime routine to be followed and if it's not he'll be off the next day (or he'll be up and down during the night) Over time we have actively worked to help Johnathan adjust when changes in routines are needed. Often we'd see how Johnathan dealt with these changes.
Charles was very different from Johnathan when it came to following routines. Charles was a big go with the flow when he was younger. Every day was a new adventure because you never knew what he'd want to do and who he'd prefer that day. Most of the routines that Charles follow was due to Johnathan needing his routines. As he's gotten older though we have seen Charles develop he own type of routines. Charles likes to know what the plan for the day is. If there is a change in it throughout the day Charles can be greatly thrown off and lead to a meltdown. We have found that when there is a plan in place we need to remind him that things could change and it may be out of our control. Giving him that reminder has helped when things do change. As he's gotten older we have also noticed he has a fascination with time, such as when we travel across time zones Charles will focus on what time it is where we are and the time it is at home. This overall fascination has also been an area of concern because Charles likes to plan in time allotted and if we don't stick to it he can get thrown off more.

- Emotions: Johnathan shows emotions but they don't always present as expected. He seems to have all the typical emotions but they can be quite unexpected. As he has grown we watched his emotions grow also. When he was younger all his emotions had very little variance to them. His eyes seemed to be the only real indicator of how he was feeling. As he got older though we noticed the emotions and reactions to his feeling got more expressive. We went from little giggles to big belly laughs when he thought something was funny. When he was hurt, he'd often get angry and sometimes even aggressive. When he felt sad he would let out loud, gasping for breath cries. Charles on the other hand is our drama queen. Every emotion is big and over the top. When he was little and got upset we often called it his 'Hulk Smash' phrase because he'd stomp through the  house yelling and knocking things over. When he was happy his voice would get high pitched and he'd laugh uncontrollably.  If Charles was sad you were sure to know because the crocodile tears would be falling and everything needed to stop until he finished having his moment. As he's gotten older Charles has improved on handling his emotions in appropriate ways but every so often it becomes too much for him and we see that little boy struggling with the 'too big' feelings.   
When it comes to understanding the emotions of other people the boys also differ. Charles wants to please others so he's always been one to observe others and their emotions. Charles can be a great comforter when he knows someone is feeling down. A great example of this happened about a year or two ago. One of Charles' friends was having a very off day and was inconsolable at school. Her teachers and paras had tried everything to help calm her but it wasn't working. It was suggested to have Charles come to her classroom since they knew that they were friends and often perked up when he was around. Charles came to the room and saw that his friend was sad. He immediately walked over to sit by her and talked to her. He told her he knew she was upset but that he was there for her and she'd be okay. Almost right away she began to calm down and rebalanced herself. Knowing that Charles was able to see his friend in panic mood and knew just how to help her made our hearts melt.   
Johnathan is not as attuned to the emotions of others and can miss the signs when around them, especially if it's in a high stimulus location. When he's in a quieter environment or with someone (like family) that he knows, he can pick up cues of how they are feeling. The times when we're sad and he'll put his hand on our arm or lean in to give a hug reminds us that he understands emotions. 

Jim:

With the boys stemming, I have always tried to give them a little bit of room to use it to relax and regulate themselves. Over time, I have learned when to nudge them into using a more settle stem or guide them through it.

With Johnathan, he often covers his ears when we are in over stimulating environments. We are able to assist him with this by having noise cancelling headphones around when we know we are going to be in those environments. I honestly believe that he uses these to assist him with focusing and that it is not related to sounds. With the families big into stock car racing and demo derbies, we are around loud motors quite frequently. Johnathan is one that will remove the headphones when the motors fire up and seems to enjoy those sounds. I too have had this issue when in a noisy environment that I sometimes have trouble focusing on others that are talking. 

Charles main stemming is his hand and fingers flicking. When I notice that he is doing this more than normal, I try and check in on him. Asking how he is doing. He often responds that he is fine and why I was asking. When I would say that he was flicking more, he would just go oh, everything is fine. I usually tell him that it is ok to do the flicking, but if he is having an issue to let us know. We are more than happy to assist him with what he is going through.

Charlie as Michelle said, can be very dramatic. We understand this. There are times that we have to change our plans due to Johnathan. We try to sit with Charlie and assist him with calming down. It may take a while and he may not be happy with us, but he usually settles down pretty quickly. Then we can discuss his feelings and assist him with how to handle them in the future. 

We have also made sure to pick up a number of fidget toys and to have them around. Charlie seems to really enjoy these items and they do reduce the finger flicking. He is also like to pick up an item like a pencil and look at it from multiple angles. It seems like he is using that as a fidget toy. 

Through it all, we have tried to go with the flow with their stemming. We don't try to have them stop it fully, but do try and find ways to make it less disruptive. I have also found that it is important to sometimes throw caution to the wind and jump in and do the same stemming as them. Charlie thinks this is funny and will stop after a short period. Johnathan, with him being non-verbal, it is hard to understand how he takes it. I hope that he sees it as it is ok to stem and we are there to support him.